It’s a fascinating time to be a woman today. Over the 41 years that I’ve been alive, I’ve witnessed and experienced the shifting tides of societal expectations, having been raised by a baby boomer mother while navigating life as a millennial. As a therapist who has had the privilege of working with a diverse spectrum of people across social, cultural, and racial landscapes, I’ve observed something profound: each generation passes down both wisdom and trauma, which the next generation must process. In turn, these experiences cycle back up, creating a chain reaction across the family system.
Let me explain. If you find yourself struggling to prioritise your own needs, express your true feelings, or if you feel stuck in patterns of pleasing others, there’s a good chance that your mother or grandmother faced similar challenges. These patterns often aren’t just personal—they’re systemic. They’re passed down, generation after generation, subtly shaping the ways we interact with the world and with each other.
What’s different now is that many of us are making conscious choices to break these cycles. By making decisions that previous generations might not have even considered—such as choosing not to have children, entering interracial marriages, embracing divorce, pursuing entrepreneurship, or prioritising self-care—we’re creating new dilemmas for our baby boomer mothers and grandmothers. They often don’t know how to respond to us because these choices challenge the norms they grew up with and worked within. It takes some adjustment across the system to embrace the change on all levels, some manage this well, some need more time.
But here’s the kicker: it’s not that we don’t want the traditional paths available to us; it’s that we want the choice. The freedom to choose our own path, whether that means following tradition or forging a new one, is what sets our generation apart.
As a systemic therapist, I see time and again the difficulties mothers and daughters face in negotiating the feedback loop between these generations. When these tensions aren’t addressed, resentment and misunderstandings can build up. We get trapped in cycles of ego and rejection, missing out on opportunities to learn from each other and grow together.
This is where the Coordinated Management of Meaning (CMM) comes into play. CMM is a communication theory that emphasizes the importance of understanding the context in which communication occurs. It helps us see that the way we make meaning in our interactions isn’t just about the words we use but about the larger patterns and contexts that shape those interactions. When mothers and daughters understand the broader systemic forces at play and the historical context that influences their relationship, they can begin to communicate more effectively, breaking down barriers and building stronger, more understanding connections.
In essence, the dance between mothers and daughters is complex and often fraught with challenges. But by recognising the systemic patterns at work and making conscious choices to communicate differently, we can break the cycles that hold us back and create new, more empowering dynamics for future generations.
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